Monthly Archives: March 2012

Hunger Games and My Grief

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Hello lovers!  Hope everyone had a great Hunger Games weekend!!  I went to see it with a bunch of coworkers after work Friday.  I devoured read the serious in a ridiculously fast time.  I can never thank one of my best girlfriends S enough for turning me on to the books!  I was so enthralled reading the books, and my poor roommate heard me rant and rave while I tore through the books.  Even more than my insatiable desire to finish the series, I wish my dad was alive to read the series.  Here’s hoping they have them in Heaven!  But back to the movie:

EPIC

I thought the movie did a fantastic job of portraying the best of the book that it could- for a short movie.  I think people that get very upset when the movie doesn’t match the book don’t realize- well duh, the movie will never have YOUR portrayal/imagination that you created when you read it.  So of course it will never live up to what you imagined!  I think the terror Katniss felt when entering the arena was great, but I do wish they would have expanded on her relationship struggle with Gale as well as their trials while in their Districts and in the arena a bit more.  I think this website (Thanks, Katy!) does an excellent job of stating everything that us obsessed devoted Hunger Games fans think the movie could have included to really make it even more awesome.

Moving on to a bit more sobering topic.  The anniversary of my dad’s suicide is approaching.  On April 3rd it will be three years.  Three years.  Three years seems like so much and so little at the same time.  I cannot believe so much time has passed since I have seen, spoken, hugged, argued, and laughed with my dad.  I have come such a long way since the first few days and weeks following his sudden passing.  I spent the first year in a blur trying to find my place in a new world- one without my daddy.  It was extremely helpful to be attending graduate school as a full time student, while also working a full time job.  I began a mere four months after his passing, and I was so grateful for the intense distraction school gave me.  And when I wasn’t writing papers or reading articles for class, I was consoling my mother- a young widow at the age of 53.  Only after I finished school in December 2010 did my real healing begin.  I began spending time with friends again, sleeping through the night, and really trying to cope with the changed person I became.  To this day I struggle with normal life situations.  I get jealous when friends tell me they argued with their dads.  Anytime I watch ‘Say yes to the dress’ I cry a little inside knowing my dad will never be there to make fun of all the frilly dresses, or walk me down the aisle insisting he will never give away his daughter- my groom will have to fight him for me, and of course everything he will miss as I live on.  And every time I pass my old home exit off the freeway when driving to my mom’s new house, I feel so deeply sad I can no longer seek comfort in the home I made so many memories with him in.

From the outside I’m sure I appear normal- I go to work everyday, I continue to exercise, go out and meet friends, and even date (albeit fruitlessly).  I laugh at my coworker’s silly jokes, I cry watching the Hunger Games, I love getting my free truffle from Godiva, and enjoy sitting outside soaking up the suns glorious warmth.  But inside I am still healing from what professionals call complicated grief- grief that has longer periods of sorrow and anguish.  Knowing my dad took his own life has a myriad of grief symptoms I cannot even begin to describe on this blog- anger, disappointment, guilt.  And this grief doesn’t simply ease with the passage of time- only my coping skills help me disguise it better from the world.  While I have accepted my dad was in an excruciating amount of physical and mental pain, and I know he was not in his right mind and only saw death as an escape from his pain, I still struggle with just not having him in my life.  I find sometimes I struggle even with trying to become upset-like I cant seem to get sad. I don’t want to be sad all the time, I used to be happy! Only when I have the occasional dream or nightmare does that elicit sadness and eventually a cathartic sob session.  I miss him so much it hurts almost more than losing him.  As any fellow daddy’s girl can tell you, my daddy meant more to me than anything in life.  I lived to make him proud.  And I continue to live today for myself- to make him proud to the day I can see him again.

If you or anyone you know are in crisis and need help, please contact the free and anonymous call center 24/7 at (800) 273-TALK.

What I’m Loving Wednesday..well, the Last Few Days!

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Hello lovers and Happy Hump Day!!  I hope wherever you are the weather is just as awesome as it is here in the Nation’s Capital!  I decided to do a post on things I am loving recently… and not so intently focused on food or fitness…well, maybe only a little :)

First off, one of my new favorite shows, New Girl, which I originally wasn’t that interested in.   But after a couple episodes, I wish it was an hour long episode!  Jess is so quirky and fun, and her roommates are so awesome!  I wish my roommate was as cool as those boys!!  (JK, S, you know you are WAY better than the boys…but I bet you wish you had them, too!)

Next is PB2!  What is PB2 you ask??  Only the most awesomest and yummiest Peanut Butter sub ever!  It’s a lighter version of peanut butter, kind of similar to peanut flour.  You simply add water to a tablespoon or two of the PB2 powder and BOOM instant reduced-calorie and still delish peanut butter!!  Yowza.

Not my photo...but I do currently have 3 things of this stuff in my possession...

On to the apple butter.  I’ve been adding this to my oatmeal every morning.  Except the last few mornings when I ran out because I was a piggly wiggly and consumed almost the entire jar in a week.  BUT its just the apple butter- no added sugar.  So its totally good for me.  Oh, got this from Whole Paycheck Foods.

See- empty jar.

I am loving my insanity workouts.  I suppose that’s easy to say today- it was ‘cardio recovery’ day, so there wasnt the normal pool of sweat at mt feet, soaking wet sweat towel and drenched workout shirt on me today.  But the workout consisted of intense core and leg muscle conditioning and boy were my legs shakin like bacon!!

I am currently 2.65 weeks into this workout and I have already started to see a little bit of the above results.  I know if I were to really reign in my diet (abs are made in the kitchen, right??) I would see results more quickly…Damn you Reese’s Peanut Butter cups!!  And as I write this now I feel guilty…and I will try harder to stick with a healthy and clean diet so I can tone up!

My job. I am loving my new job!  It’s going well so far.  Everyone is very friendly, I am learning the lingo and new terminology as quickly as I can, and picking up on my tasks and responsibilities, too.  I have even produced a few products my supervisor liked!  Best part?  NO PHONE CALLS/EMAILS.  My last position was very customer service oriented.  I was the only program manager for a while (until about 6 months before my new position where I got a partner), so I was the SME (subject matter expert)…and the only one for the entire company.  My phone and inbox would blow up every day.  In my new job, I only get a few emails from my unit/section, and the phone calls are people looking for me…but don’t know I have a new job and got routed to me in error.  In short, I love not being in a customer service roll anymore!!

Last on this list of what I am loving recently is a DC staple in the Spring.  They’re iconic, they’re beautiful, and they only last a couple weeks every year, and I have been lucky enough to see it…uhh, well, once officially…but I work so close and see them so often on tv its like I see them every year.  What are they?  The Cherry Blossoms (capitalized, duh), of course!!!

Gorgeous

So beautiful!

Sometimes I forget where I work until I see a monument or get asked by a tourist where something is.  But I am truly blessed to live and work in the capital city of the free world!  I hope everyone has a chance to come visit me here. :)

That’s about it for today lovers! Rock on :)

What are you loving recently?  Have you been to DC before?

 

Balls Balls Balls!! And Insanity Update

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Hello lovers!  He he he yes I am immature and like to say balls.  Its funny!!  Anyway, sorry for my absenteeism this weekend.  Since the weekend prior was spent going wild in West Virginia with a couple girlfriends, I decided to have a somewhat relaxed and me-time this weekend.  Aside from random weird boy drama this weekend (so what else is new?), my weekend was filled with sleeping in, working out, relaxing outside in the glorious weather, and watching a couple movies I’ve been meaning to see (The last installments of Transformers and Pirates- loved Transformers, Pirates was meh).  It was great to have the whole weekend to myself- doing everything I wanted and on my time.  Though I debated back and forth on whether I wanted to go out at all this weekend, I ended up meeting up with a few marines in DC to celebrate St Paddy’s Day.  I am so glad I went out!  I had a blast!  Any night ending with a bunch of marines singing Backstreet Boys “I want it that way” is a good night in my book! And though I didn’t wear this out, I definitely represented the green during the day-

I’m not Irish but kiss me anyways :) (I’m half Hungarian, if inquiring minds want to know)

Since I had a lot of free time for myself this weekend I decided to do some (no)-baking!  I made a couple different types of no-bake energy-type balls, and boy were the both gone fast!  The first is a modified version of Running to the Kitchen Date and Walnut balls.  The second is just a wing-it version of cookie dough balls, though I didn’t have any nuts and I wanted to make them a bit lighter using PB2 instead of nut butter.  They both turned out awesome!!

Ball Dough

Chocolate Chip NO bake Cookie Dough Balls

Makes roughly 12 balls

Ingredients:

  • 1/2 cup powder PB2 (made to just liquid but not pasty by adding water)
  • 1/2 cup oats
  • 1-2 T oat flour
  • 1 T chia seeds
  • 1 tsp vanilla
  • Palmful of dark chocolate chunks

Method:

Mix all ingredients until a dough forms.  Refrigerate for 30 minutes.  Form dough into balls.  Proceed to eat half the bunch :)   Get creative!  Add nuts, dried fruit, other small candies, even sunflower seed butter or other nut butter!

Lastly an update on my insanity workouts- I just completed my second progression fit test (the first was the baseline/beginning test).  I improved a bit on some exercises, but stayed the same on a couple. I think any improvement is great, plus its only been two weeks.  So far I haven’t noticed a huge change in body, but just the past couple of days I have started to notice some toning, and of course the fit test shows my strength and speed increasing!  Woo!  I still love the all-out exertion and sweatastic-ness of these workouts, so I will definitely continue to do them. I cant wait to see how far I will go in 60 days!!

Rock on lovers!!