So this is a bleak post and the reason I haven’t blogged in a couple of days.  Last week was rough.  No, worse than rough.  It was a roller coaster of emotions and stress I don’t care to experience again anytime soon.  A multitude of things occurred last week, not all of which I will share, that have really tested my sanity.  First was the three year anniversary of my fathers suicide.  I really didn’t think much of it, knowing that it was more of the anxiety leading up to ‘the day’ that was stressful.  What was actually stressful was my mom.  Don’t get me wrong, I love my mother and would not be here without her unwavering support during our shared trauma, but she and I have such different grieving and coping paths that makes communication between us difficult.  She is still very much in a moping and dwelling stage, saying things like ‘at my age I never thought I’d be alone, a widow, I guess I didn’t love him enough’.  I’m sorry if this makes me a terrible daughter and person, but its just pathetic.  As I mentioned in my last post, I have definitely ‘moved on’ a bit, while my mother refuses.  She thinks she will be ‘letting him go entirely’ which isn’t the case.  Its just another step in moving on in her life to a better, happier place.   But being the stubborn woman she is, she literally refuses to be happy- and there are moments she is happy, the will then force herself to feel guilty and revert to moping.  As part of my ‘growth’ in the 3rd year of grief I make an effort to try and accept her way of grieving, but sometimes I just need to step away and let her do her thing, just as I’m sure she does the same with me.

Next on my blah unhappy list- my weight.  Some days I am completely content with the way I look.  Ok, that’s not true.  Not in the slightest.  I am happy with how far I’ve come, but I cannot seem to lose these last 10 pounds.  I got pretty close to my goal weight, but only after severe calorie restriction and crazy cardio sessions.  I was happy with my weight, yes, but not happy in life. I was cranky and moody all the time.  Right now I am frustrated that after a month of doing insanity not only have I not lost any weight, I have gained weight (barely a pound, but even the smallest amounts are a lot to a 5’1 person). Also my clothes feel tighter, not any more loose.  What gives?  I’ve read message boards about calorie amounts may be to blame (I was eating below the recommended amount for insanity), as well as muscle swelling/DOMS affect.  I don’t think muscle swelling should still be an issue while in recovery week, and I really really hate how my body feels.  Squishy, blobby, and just not comfortable.  I do not like what I see in the mirror and I want to give up on insanity entirely.  But I will stick it out, as many of the message boards say many people like me didn’t see results and to just keep it up.  I know diet it’s the majority of the plan to see the results I want, but I just don’t know what my body truly needs.  Well, last Thursday I had an appointment to get my metabolism tested by a RD/nutritionist.  Well, I wasn’t too thrilled with the results.  It really wasn’t anything I didn’t already know.  It was interesting to see how much I burned (a little higher than normal, which damnit should be the case since I work out frequently), and to east x amount to lose weight.  She did mention to keep track of my calorie intake on the weekends (which I don’t normally), and after just a few days of really focusing and sticking to intuitive eating, I have lost a couple pounds!  Now I just need to focus and keep my determination to finish off the second month of insanity that I started yesterday.

Easter weekend recap- slept, vegged (healthily), and spent time with mom.  I guilty spent no time with my niece and nephew.  I just didn’t have the patience last weekend and just wanted to spend time with my mom.  But enough chat!  I promised a recipe…but to make up for my lack of posting I will give you TWO!!  Yes I know, you are just tickled with excitement about this

First is a recipe I found from Breakfast to Bed.  I LOVE Twix, but they are SOOO bad for you.  All kinds of sugar, saturated fats, etc.  So when I found this healthy recipe for peanut butter twix (because everything is better with peanut butter!) I just HAD to make it!!

Instructions

Preheat oven to 350F

Combine almond milk and chia and set aside for 10mins or so until you get the chia gel affect

Mash the heck out of that already uber ripe banana and it with combine chia milk mix, oats, whites, crunchy pb, stevia, vanilla.

Mix until well combined

Mix and mash it up!

Spread into a pammed (greased) cake pan and bake for around 25 minutes until edges are slightly browned.  Once cooled, spread the creamy PB2 on top, freeze, then melt the chocolate chips and add that glorious layer on top of the PB.

Next recipe will be posted tomorrow…because I am a tease and quite frankly you wont want to miss the story of my adopting a stray…goldfish

Rock on lovers